Jokes Jokes and more Jokes - We've got a bucket full of funny jokes!! http://www.humorbucket.com/ humorbucket.com A customer was continually bothering the waiter in a restaurant. First, he asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too cold, then he asked that it be turned down because he was too hot, and so it went for about a half an hour. Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient. He walked back and forth and never once got angry. Finally, a second customer asked the waiter why he didn't throw out the pest. "Oh, I don't care," said the waiter with a smile. "We don't even have an air conditioner." http://www.humorbucket.com/joke.php?jokeID=446 So, there they are, out in the country, and Ma walks in and says, "Jethro, get out there and fix that there outhouse." He says, "All right, Ma." Jethro walks out to the outhouse, looks at it, and says, "Ma, there ain't nothin' WRONG with this here OUTHOUSE!" She says, "Put your head down in the hole." He puts his head down in the hole and he says, "Ma, there ain't nothin' WRONG with this here OUTHOUSE!" Jethro goes to lift up his head and he says, "Ow! OUCH! Ma! MA, my beard is stuck." Ma says, "Aggravatin', ain't it." http://www.humorbucket.com/joke.php?jokeID=998 A little boy came down for breakfast one morning and asked his grandma, "Where's Mom and dad?" and she replied, "they're up in bed." The little boy started to giggle and ate his breakfast and went out to play. Then he came back in for lunch and asked his grandma "where's Mom and Dad?" and she replied "they're still up in bed." Again the little boy started to giggle and he ate his lunch and went out to play. Then the little boy came in for dinner and once again he asked his grandma "where's Mom and dad?" and his grandmother replied "they're still up in bed." The little boy started to laugh and his grandmother asked, "what gives? Every time I tell you they're still up in bed you start to laugh! what is going on here?" The little boy replied, "well last night daddy came into my bedroom and asked me for the Vaseline and I gave him super glue." http://www.humorbucket.com/joke.php?jokeID=191 This guy loved living on Staten Island, but he wasn't crazy about the ferry. If you missed a ferry late at night, you had to spend the next hour or so wandering the deserted streets of lower Manhattan. So, when he spotted a ferry no more than fifteen feet from the dock, he decided he wouldn't subject himself to an hour's wait. He made a running leap and landed on his hands and knees, a little bruised maybe, but safe on deck. He got up, brushed himself off, and announced proudly to a bystander, "Well, I made that one, didn't I?" "Sure did," the bystander said. "But you should have waited a minute or two. The ferry is just about to dock." http://www.humorbucket.com/joke.php?jokeID=186 On the 16th hole of the golf course, Fred had hit his ball into the woods. Harry, his partner had laughed and poked fun, but then somehow managed to hit his ball into the woods, just a few yards beyond. Fred looked for a long time, getting angrier every minute. Finally, in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups, he found his ball. Instead of just continuing the game, he took his club and thrashed every single buttercup in that patch. Suddenly, in a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for that, you won't have any butter for your popcorn the rest of your life.....better still; you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life.....as a matter of fact, you won't have any butter for anything the rest of your life!" Then POOF!...she was gone. After Fred got a hold of himself, he hollered for his friend, "Harry!... Harry!... where are you?" Harry yells, "I'm over here, in the pussy willows." Fred screams back..... "DON'T SWING!!! FOR GOD'S SAKE!! DON'T SWING!!!" http://www.humorbucket.com/joke.php?jokeID=113 One day, a man walks into a dentist's office and asks how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth. "Eighty dollars," the dentist says. "That's a ridiculous amount," the man says. "Isn't there a cheaper way?" "Well," the dentist says, "if you don't use an aesthetic, I can knock the price down to $60." Looking annoyed the man says, "That's still too expensive!" "Okay," says the dentist. "If I save on anesthesia and simply rip the teeth out with a pair of pliers, I can knock the price down to $20." "Nope," moans the man, "it's still too much." "Well," says the dentist, scratching his head, "if I let one of my students do it, I suppose I can knock the price down to $10." "Marvelous," says the man, "book my wife for next Tuesday!" http://www.humorbucket.com/joke.php?jokeID=1192 Why do girls have two more brain cells than cows??? So they don't shit on the floor when you play with their tits. http://www.humorbucket.com/joke.php?jokeID=1207 The farmer's son was returning from the market with the crate of chicken's his father had entrusted to him, when all of a sudden the box fell and broke open. Chickens scurried off in different directions, but the determined boy walked all over the neighborhood scooping up the wayward birds and returning them to the repaired crate. Hoping he had found them all, the boy reluctantly returned home, expecting the worst. "Pa, the chickens got loose," the boy confessed sadly, "but I managed to find all twelve of them." "Well, you did real good, son," the farmer beamed. "You left with seven." http://www.humorbucket.com/joke.php?jokeID=940 Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home. The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!' http://www.humorbucket.com/joke.php?jokeID=253 John: Brad, will you get the phone? Brad: (Sound of frantically clattering keyboard.) I can't! I'm playing Omega! John: Ambar, will you get the phone? Ambar: I can't! I'm late for work! (Sound of slamming door.) John: Aimee, will you get the phone? Aimee: (Sound of running water.) I can't! I'm in the shower! John: Glenn, will you get the -- (disgusted) Ah, Glenn's in Denver. Please leave a message. http://www.humorbucket.com/joke.php?jokeID=919 Mueller is traveling with his wife and mother-in-law in a far east country. At a place of honor his mother-in-law makes a careless remark, which the native people take as an insult to the royal family. Mueller is dragged off to court with his wife and mother-in-law and are sentenced to corporal punishment. Each of them are to recieve 50 lashes on the rear end with a cane. But because the royal family doesn't want to appear hostile to foreigners, they grant the guests in their country a wish beforehand, as long as it is able to be fulfilled. Mrs. Mueller is first. "What do you wish for yourself?" "I would like a pillow bound on my rear end before the lashings." "Okay, that shall be granted to you." Mrs. Mueller has the pillow bound to her rear end and receives her punishment. But because the pillow is too small and the executioner also hits her back a couple of times, she receives a few blows. Next it is Mueller's mother-in-law's turn. "What do you wish for yourself?" "I would like a pillow bound on my rear end and a pillow bound on my back before the lashings." "Okay, that shall be granted to you." The mother-in-law receives her fifty lashes, but hardly feels the pain through the pillows. Then comes Mueller himself. "What do you wish for yourself?" "I have two wishes. Do you want to fulfill them for me?" "Because you are a guest in our country, we want to fulfill your wishes for you, as long as they are reasonable." "I would like 100 lashes instead of 50." The executioner is surprised, but recovers again right away and replies, "Yes, that is a pious wish, it shall be granted to you. And what is your second wish?" "I would like to have my mother-in-law bound to my back." http://www.humorbucket.com/joke.php?jokeID=1074 A blonde had just purchased some lingerie and asked if she might have the sentence, "If you can read this you're too damn close" embroidered on her panties and bra. "Yes Madame," said the clerk. "I'm quite certain that could be done. Would you prefer block or script letters?" "Braille," she replied. http://www.humorbucket.com/joke.php?jokeID=419 The Queen visits a major hospital to open a new ward. She is shown around first by a nurse so she can inspect the facilities. On her way, she hears orgasmic groans coming from a nearby room. She goes to the room to investigate and, upon arriving, finds that a man is masturbating on the bed. She asks the nurse "Why is that man doing that?" The nurse replies "Oh, he's got to relieve himself every so often because he has a disorder." "Oh, OK then," the queen said, and moved on, but on the way she hears more orgasmic groans. She looks in the room and sees a nurse giving a man a blowjob. The queen asks her escort "Why is that nurse giving that man a blowjob?" Her nurse escort says "Oh, he's got the same disorder as the man before, only this one's got health insurance!" http://www.humorbucket.com/joke.php?jokeID=462 A simple alternative, now that McDonald's has spread to virtually every country on earth, has become to look at what a Big Mac costs, the IW said. "A particularly hungry American can buy five Big Macs for 11 dollars. If he exchanged the money into Deutsch-marks, his 18 marks in Germany can just barely obtain four Big Macs," the IW said. Conclusion: based on the Big Mac index, the dollar is undervalued, the institute said. Americans can get their best Big Mac buy these days in Moscow, where one sandwich costs only about 59 cents. But Russians must "work nearly two days in order to afford this meaty capitalist achievement - longer than people in any other country", the IW said. http://www.humorbucket.com/joke.php?jokeID=893 Yo mama so short she models for trophys. http://www.humorbucket.com/joke.php?jokeID=889